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Thursday, March 26, 2015

I think of him every single day.  He never had a conversation with me because he could not.  He was unable to take a walk with me or teach me how to do anything.  He could not get down on the floor and play with horses or other toys I may have been interested in that day. He could only respond with his eyes and smile and laugh; or by letting you know you had upset him with his loud, annoyed yells. Many would have considered him "unable to contribute" or worse, "a menace." He was not easy to be around, convenient to care for, or sometimes pleasant to look at. But he was my uncle and I think of him every single day.

I woke early this very morning before daylight with him on my mind.  It brings to mind this verse, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." 
(Hebrews 12:1) While I do not find in the Bible that those in heaven can see us on earth and I do not know if they can; I do think this verse, in context, points to those who have gone before us and run the race well. 

The race, it is hard, it takes perseverance and endurance. It makes us weary. My uncle, Ray, his race, just the physical and daily living, was I am sure a seemingly long one. He spent each day strapped into a wheelchair because he could not sit upright without support. He had to be fed, assisted in the bathroom, put to bed and gotten up in the morning. He literally had no control over his life and could only really even hold one item at a time.  Some things he could not grasp at all. I remember the little plastic red hammer that was his favorite. Most likely because he father was a builder and farmer and he so longed to be able to help do that work. Ray spent many hours sitting on the front porch waiting to see tractors working in field. I remember watching him look at the men in the fields. His eyes got a deep and faraway look that I know was a longing to join them.




Ray had a sense of humor. He loved to pick on my mother and pretend he was mad at her. He would laugh at Andy Griffith and shout when he heard the name of Jesus in song. He was stuck in a physical body that would not work properly but his mind and heart were exactly the same as mine.  You see, just like myself, Ray was a soul. He is a soul. A soul is eternal. Ray was an image bearer of God, just as every soul is, and because I think of him daily I am reminded that his soul was not wasted in his broken body.  Ray taught me lessons as a child that I will never forsake or forget. Each time I see a person with a disability or special needs I feel as if I already know them in some way.  I know them because I see value and purpose in their life. I see that they too are image bearers.

We long for beauty and perfection. We all do. It drives our entertainment, our obsession with weight, who we idolize and make famous, our commerce, our dating. Think about it. Almost everything in America is sold with beauty or sex. We say we care about equality and rights of each person but when do I see pictures of people like Ray portraying valuable and beautiful things? If Ray was not necessary or of worth why does he live in my daily life and thoughts? Why did he impact my life so profoundly and so many others? He is an image bearer. We all are.

Two other people have recently come into my life that remind me of Ray. One is Summer who volunteers at our local library and one is Grayson, a cute little 2 year old at our church. When I see these two, one a child and one an adult, both with Down Syndrome, I wonder if they realize that I see Christ in them? Maybe I should tell them. In them I see God's image and I see him in their weaknesses and the struggles they have. I see him in the kind, gentle, spirit that they have. Humility is evident, in these two, as it was in Ray. 

Life with special needs or a disability is messy at times. It is difficult, painful, trying, often sorrowful. Why does this remind me of the Savior? Because he lived a humble life that was often very sorrowful. He had no home or place to lay his head so he relied on others to meet his need. He was God, and the image of God, but this did not stop him from becoming lowly, humbled, and bruised for us. His weakness was chosen because of great love. His life was a messy one. His message was messy. It was not a popular, shiny, easy, beautiful message. Yet, the result of accepting him as Savior means that life, for us,becomes beautiful. I believe that Summer and Grayson make life more beautiful for others. I know Ray did. His caregivers gave our family a book of remembrances of Ray, after his death. Here are some words they used to describe him....

Happy. Fun. Life Changer. A man of value and worth. Humble. Legacy. Important. Beautiful Soul. Friend. 

And I would add, an image bearer. 


Friday, March 13, 2015

Launch


Such a fun week for me. I have been wrestling with doubt about putting this blog up and if I really need to try this whole writing for the world to see thing. I mentioned that in my first blog post. 

BIG NEWS......right when you feel doubt starting to creep in - just pray. God really does answer and want us to run to him with    Every. Little. Thing. Nothing is too little or too large for him to care about or handle.

At just the right time, he gave me a great week of encouragement. I got a FB message to apply for the launch team for Jen Hatmaker's new book "For the Love." It will hit the stores in August. I filled out the app, then hit delete. (Multiplied by 3) And then I said, “Oh, what can I lose?” Four days later, I am CHOSEN!!

This is exciting for me because I just want to write and feel this is another little push in that direction. And of course, I heart Jen. I love her humor, her transparency, and her passion for the nations and the lost. She is edgy at times, she is very raw and she is a hoot!

More to come about Jen’s super new book that I have the privilege of reading early (yes, be jealous – no really don’t cause that is sin- K?) Just posting a short word to tell you to keep checking this blog for little quotes from the book and news about the awesome fun it is to be on a launch team.


Tuesday, March 10, 2015

What a "tiny" house will teach you

My world is getting shaken, rocked and turned upside down right now.  Having recently moved back to our home state of Tennessee we are living in about 700 square feet temporarily.  That's one mom and dad, 3 boys, a cat, a hamster, and a fish. (The hermit crab's short life recently ended. I will not share how I feel about this. Just guess.)  Leaving 2600 square feet to abide in a "small house" will, at times, really test your character.

The thing is though, 700 square feet, it's not really a tiny dwelling.  For most of the world this size home would be like a mansion and very luxurious.  I'm busy thinking about this in the first month of 2015.  Josh and I have been having these conversations for months now.  They usually start with me screaming and throwing something in the closet because I CAN'T FIT MORE IN!! What?  Even in this scaled down place we are living we find many things we don't even wear, eat, etc.  9/10 of our things are in storage.
      Sitting.  

     Unused.  

In a couple months when we move to our next home we will find things we had FORGOTTEN! This is not ok. Not when gazillions of people don't even have food to eat. Not when babies are dying of hunger and people are sleeping in cold alleys.  Can we fix all that? Oh no, sadly we cannot.  Can we try? Can we care?  Can we wake up and sacrifice for the lives of others? Oh yes, gladly we can.

Not only are we already thinking these things and learning it is ok, and that we are going to survive without 200 dvd's and 1 million pencils, I decided to spend money on one thing for myself for Christmas.  Just one thing. What did I choose? An innocent book called "Interrupted" by Jen Hatmaker. I had no idea what I was getting ready to experience. Just taking a recommendation from others that she is a good writer and I also really enjoyed her HGTV show about renovating her home.  Innocent.  That is what I thought.  I am not going to to a book summary for you, but I will say this.  If you care about over consumption in America.  If you care about orphans. If you feel like there is no joy in your life, if you attend church but get bored with that. Just read the book. You will be challenged.  Believer or not it is a great read.

So some things you learn while in close quarters with 4 other people...

1. Cat hair may not be a big deal in a big house.  Maybe you can deal with it and just whisk it away.  Not so in this environment.

2. A line forms daily for the bathroom and it seems to happen so quickly it becomes a pile up.  Take a number people.

3. There is no privacy. Don't even think about it. 3 boys in a room and parents in another room with a little living room in the middle. You cannot possibly crank the volume loud enough on Downton Abbey to understand the wittiness of the Dowager (without waking the little guy).

4. We have EXCESS stuff.  Even here, even now.  I weekly put something in the "give away" pile.  Clothes that never are worn, a toy someone doesn't want, etc.  It is surprising me because I thought I only brought the necessities here.  But we have lots of stuff, just stuff, taking up space!

5. My boys are cute and sweet and generally handling this well.  Very well actually.  Not to brag that we have the best kids in the world (of course) but just to point out that happiness does not equal stuff. We are playing more games, talking more, and reading more books. They get bored and think they will die but I have noticed they are not missing their things that are packed away. They are wanting more stimulation from tv or video games.  This is all evident of our always wanting more action, more entertainment, and the latest thing.  We are working on it.

6. Small homes are actually possible to keep relatively clean. Relatively.

7. If we get the flu or a stomach virus it is going to be bad.  Seriously,  real bad. (see #2)

8. We realize the things we most need love,shelter, food and clothing are universal and they are really enough. If you have these things you can be very comfortable and happy. We also need something to worship. Everyone seeks that. So ultimately we need God to be joyful and content (but that is another post) Materially speaking, though, we do not need much. Not at all.

9. Cranky boys really get under my skin and here is how we handle that. Send them outside, plug into music, exercise, pray a lot, pin stuff (just being honest- still looking at and for stuff, sad)

10. It is eye opening to take a break from things and down size.  More than that it is humbling and good for us. I hope we will not be the same after this season of our lives.

I write this post not to condemn or be ungrateful that my life is full of good things. I feel thankful to live in a country with so many opportunities and without having to worry that my children will starve or be cold tonight. But even here, even now there are many who do not have this privilege. May we wake up as a nation and especially as the church and welcome some discomfort to meet the needs of these.

Do not store up for yourselves treasure on earth, where moth and just destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasure in heaven, where moth and rest do not destroy  and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matt. 6:19-21)

Some of my treasures


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Whatever....

Some of you may have been readers of my past blog. I took a break from blogging to really think and pray about it and determine if I want to continue writing online for the world to see. Honestly, the answer is "not really." But my heart has been unable to let it go and my thoughts drift back toward it every day. I have NO IDEA what the point of God's leading me to blog is. So I can't even give this a great and marvelous intro of how it is gonna change your life if you read it. I have tried to get out of it actually and just read others blogs and be content. I can assure you that whatever the reason I feel I need to blog it is not because I am trying to be famous, trying to make money or thinking I am so brilliant and so together that I can really change some lives. No, really, I just feel kind of small and like this may be a big fail. Epic actually. But if you know me and how I live it is usually all or nothing, so here goes.

 I do have a few desires for this blog but if they come true we will only have to see. I have found a couple of bloggers during some really low points of my life over the past few years. The ability to peek into their lives and see their mess and yet their beauty has really been an encouragement to me. Many days, I just needed to know I wasn't dumb, defeated, dangerous to society, or deranged! Seeing other women struggle with these same feelings of inadequacy and yet having such beautiful lives, families or hearts has really helped me keep on plowing through the hard days.

 I don't know if one single thing I write here will do that for you. I am really just starting this as an act of obedience to God and just to get this nagging feeling out of my heart and mind. It is like a little sliver of glass stuck in my foot. Just won't go away and just won't stop reminding me it is there.

 This may be the worst blog introduction in history and so if you do come back to read another page it will be truly inspiring to me. My heart hopes that in being real with you, reader, I will gain some new friends. Maybe my words will inspire someone on a day that they want to throw in the towel and bury their head in the sand. I pray that in what is written here you will see Christ and how he is the One who keeps me going and gives me purpose. Some days you might find a piece of advice or an encouraging word as you struggle through the season you are in. Whatever becomes of this space, even if it is just an outlet for my thoughts and nothing more, I do pray it will be a quiet place of peace and rest and comfort to those of you who take the time to type in its address.

 So without being flippant or uncaring and with a desire to be obedient I just throw up my hands and say "whatevah." Whatever this becomes may it be a genuine and real place, never an imitation, and always for a purpose. Sometimes you just have to give it up and yell..... 


 WHATEVER!!